How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful

When I last checked in I was about to start my last placement of third year. And now, here I am, about to start my first placement of fourth year. I never thought I’d see this day. Back in first year, even making it to clinicals seemed impossibly far away. Now the finish line is in sight!

Not sure what I have to say, what I have to update… Third year was definitely my favourite year of medical school thus far.

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cry of my heart. Isaiah 61.

Off to my peripheral rotation and the last one for this academic year in two days. I’ll be doing chest (made out of cardio, resp and ENT). My love/passion for medicine still wanes especially when I need to study but I’ve really loved seeing my knowledge come together and feel like it’s actually useful. I’ve been soooo good recently honestly it’s scary. A part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. God’s been speaking so much – working on the past, unrooting deep hurts, but also – giving me joy in the wait. Contentment unlike any other. He’s teaching me to change my perspective, He’s even helping me work through issues I NEVER expected to deal with now. Community has also been good, both in church and uni. I’m feeling settled šŸ™‚

Something I heard today: “be interested, not interesting” and “be a ‘there you are’ not ‘here I am’ person”. Also been thinking about how (this was originally said in the context of dating but I think it applies anywhere) instead of trying to impress others, we should try to bless. So true!

I spent 5 days recently in Malta and it was so nice and chill. I really needed it. Henley as usual was beautiful. I still can’t believe I’ve got 10 weeks to go till exams. I should start studying I guess? Hahaha. This year really feels like a marathon. But how would I know, I don’t even run, let alone run a marathon.

goodbai

Wassssssup

Dear Reader,

I hope 2016 has found you well so far. I can’t believe March is here. Already seeing the daffies and crocuses in the ground, and magnolias with their heavenly scents on an otherwise barren tree… Spring is coming and I can’t wait.

The rain and the petals on the ground just reminds me of this Ezra Pound classic – In a Station of the Metro

“The apparition of these faces in the crowd;

Petals on a wet, black bough.”

My latest placement is over in a week (!!) – I can’t believe it myself.

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It is well

Currently curled up on a couch in my own cosy room at my aunt’s glorious house in the countryside (compared to London, I consider most other things ‘countryside’ anyway). There are all manner of wild things running around outside…. four or five fluffy wild rabbits chasing each other around the garden, beautiful chickens clucking about a huge Magnolia tree, some random pheasants strutting around, and birds chirping away. And my cousins are playing and shouting downstairs. It’s so peaceful here, and this feels like just what my soul needed. Maybe not so good for my (already non-existent) waistline, going by the first three meals I’ve had…

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But I digress.

The past few months have been an ongoing journey in walking in trust and transformation. Even when things seem so painful and confusing and rejection hurts, I take a deep breath and remind myself that God has higher and greater plans for me. That HeĀ isĀ making all things work for my good, for I love Him and IĀ haveĀ been called according to His purpose.Ā An opportunity for me to get out there and serve, lead and build community recently presented itself to me. It really got me both excited and nervous; you know how it is. I hadĀ justĀ been quietly remarking to myself/God ‘look at all these gunners campaigning for things, running for positions…. I’d love to serve and lead but I’d never even wanna chase it myself. I’d rather just get chosen, yknow? Anyway I don’t even know where to begin.’ and on that very day, someone messaged me to ask if I was interested in this opportunity.

My immediate reactions were the usual ‘why me?! I’m so inadequate/not suited for it. Do I have the time for this?’

A manā€™s heart plans his way,
But the Lord directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9

From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2

So not so muchĀ in spite of but becauseĀ of these silly (some unfounded, some VERY much founded) thoughts and reservations, I’m choosing to walk in the opposite spirit, to get out of my comfort zone, and to push myself into the path of trusting in God more and relying on Him more. And I’ve been praying about it and have a lot of peace in saying yes (but there’s still a whole lotta fear about actually taking this opportunity).

Watch this space!