I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine

It’s one of those nights – feeling like some QT is much needed, but first some catharsis courtesy of my keyboard. Long one ahead, hang in there!

I’m very happy to report that I passed my first year of med school! The night before results were due out, I was on a bus traveling from Amsterdam to Brussels, watching the changing sky, when I saw this picture.

brussels rainbow

it’s a bit faint but hopefully you can see it left of centre of the picture?

“When the rainbow is in the cloud, then I will look upon it, to remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth.” Genesis 9:15

It was really ages since I last saw a rainbow, and it was as much a reminder to me that God is the God who keeps His promises as it was a reminder to God of His own everlasting covenant.

To go back a bit further (because why should you get my thoughts presented in chronological order? That’s not incoherent! That would make this blog’s name false advertising!) – exams were not an easy time for me.

When my in-course assessment results came out sometime in Easter, I was surprised at how upset I was at my medicore results (I thought I’d have been used to mediocrity by then…). I didn’t do badly, I just wanted to do so much better. And of course, I compared myself to other people and got even more upset. “She didn’t take X seriously! He did it at the last minute!”. And then I got upset with myself for being super kiasu (Wiki: ‘colloquial Singlish word….coming from the vernacular Chinese word 怕输, meaning ‘fear of losing’.’) and stupidly upset when I didn’t even do badly blahblahblah.

I tried to reason it through with myself (but only with the help of my wonderful friend U know who U are 😉 ) and also tried to see what God wanted me to learn from this. I felt frustrated – why couldn’t He for ONCE let me do well in med school? Especially at a stage when I needed an extra push/encouragement for the final weeks of studying for my papers. Talking things through with my shepherd, I realised I had come to see God as someone who gave me peace/strength in exams, and not someone Who had my exams totally in His hands – Who could determine my grades. He showed me how much I actually valued grades (despite my years of going ‘I’m not kiasu!!!!’), how I wanted to use it to prove to people that I could do it, that I had pride, that I tried to do things by man’s strength and not His.

With this new revelation, I really tried to trust in Him and entrust my results to Him. Long story short, I can truly say through Christ alone did I pass. I didn’t do as well as I would have liked, and next year I would like to do better, and start earlier/study harder. Watch this space?

Of course, honourable mentions go out to my bbs, whether my flatmates who cheered me through hell-week, or my study-buddies who I celebrated the end of exams with.

photo 1

I hope to do a proper wrap up on my first year of uni/med school soon(ish hahaha) but this properly covers exams I guess.

Since coming back to Singapore for summer, God has been drawing Himself closer to me than ever. Singapore is always hard to adjust to, and I’m always confronted by bits of me that resurface here…. The title of this post comes from Song of Solomon, specifically 6:3

“My beloved has gone to his garden,
To the beds of spices,
To feed his flock in the gardens,
And to gather lilies.
am my beloved’s,
And my beloved is mine.
He feeds his flock among the lilies.” 

which was a verse that came to mind in church as we sang some magical set OBVIOUSLY intended for me alone 😉 ahaha singing all about His ravishing love. I started crying when I saw myself in the secret garden, waiting for Him, when who else but my darling Max should come over and start praying over me and telling me that God told her He is pursuing me with such fierceness, that no matter how much it takes, no matter how long it takes, He is chasing after me.

Summer plans include getting a beach bod  giving Chem + Lit + Geog tuition, which is going really great and it’s so lovely to get to prepare Lit lessons; Literature is something I enjoy so much, and I love teaching too. Aside from lotsa famjam time and cooking (read: EATING), I’m also going to Cambodia in August. Excited to work with the kids there again, and to have this opportunity to bless and love the people there.

I started this post pondering some tough questions, but while writing and listening to worship music, my mood has slowly lifted and I know for certain that in God my sorrows melt away – still, thinking tonight about someone I knew who chose to end his life yesterday, when he had defied all expectations and survived a car accident four years ago. My thoughts and prayers are with his family tonight…

I’ve been serving at Healing Rooms with my dad, and watching a doctor pray with such conviction but also gentleness for complete healing in Christ Jesus is inspiring. Of course, Jesus Himself is the most inspirational – my faith has been so strengthened seeing people totally healed through prayer. I definitely believe in it, and it’ll be interesting to see how this impacts me as a future doctor.

If you made it this far, dear Reader, WELL DONE. A million points to you!

N.

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