So here it is! My long overdue post about how life in medical school has been thus far. I put off writing this for so long because it was either going to be an extremely negative, moody, discouraged and distressed post, (which is not the point of this blog – I want honesty alongside edification), or I was too busy being ONZ about life to sit down and type this out. And I’m pretty sure my parents
stalk read this, and I don’t think they particularly want to read about me wanting to drop out of med school…… Hehehe. But honestly, relax guys, I don’t!
-time lapse of 4 days-
I’m sad to report that my time management hasn’t gotten much better since my previous post… I think that this post has been delayed for so long that there’s just so much to say and I don’t know how to begin?
The beginning is just a good a place as any other to start, I suppose. Ok, enough waffling (can I just say this is a very British term I only picked up after coming to Fair England and that I am terribly disappointed it doesn’t mean ‘to stuff oneself with waffles’) – here’s the story so far.
Medical School started off fairly easy and enjoyable, and then quickly plunged into ‘I HATE THIS’. I’ve always been fairly well-rounded, relishing science as much as I love the arts. I really demonstrate well the ‘grass is greener on the other side’ concept – give me a life of science and I’m all ‘GIVE ME ESSAYS’, and vice versa (side note: learning to be content in Christ). This wasn’t made any better by encountering many people who told me ‘you don’t look like you should be doing medicine!’ (is there a ‘look’?!) or people who asked me ‘why aren’t you doing something arts related, or English?!’ or people who just flat out called me bimbotic (fine, just two people).
I already felt in awe of my peers, like I was unworthy of being there, and stupider than everyone else. 😦 I also found what we were studying really horrible, somewhat irrelevant to medicine, or almost a ‘argh I don’t want to have to memorise all of this’ feeling.
Me in lectures
I was really upset by this realisation though – I chose to do medicine without anyone forcing me to (although my Daddy certainly influenced and inspired me), and just one year ago I was SO passionate about it. I think I was feeling overwhelmed by the change in environment, and with all the different expectations placed on me, I did a very typical INFJ thing and withdrew (ie PEOPLE SUCK I WANT TO LIVE IN THE WOODS). With helping people being my main motivation in pursuing this course, it was easy to lose all interest in it once my desire to help people kind of went away.
Then I went to church camp, and flat out surrendered everything to God. No more striving, no more worrying or negative thinking – just trusting in Him. I think I’ve really only survived the last 8 weeks because I told Him ‘put passion in my heart for the things You want me to have passion for’ – that was good. This brought me through IPE and two tests without panicking too much. Obviously, life was still up and down,
and I had the occasional emotional breakdown or two, and I didn’t surrender as much as I could have, or loved those around me as intentionally as I wanted to. Neither did I study as hard as I wanted to – instead of consistent work, I swung from extreme apathy ‘ah I’ll just have my 3rd cup of tea, and play with Ned (my tall, dark and handsome Guitar)’ to ‘OMGOMGOMG STUDYING YES MUGGING YES NO TIME FOR PLAY LET’S WORK ALL DAY I LOVE MEDICINE OOH WOW I BE DOCTOR ONE DAY’ ahahaha I’ll probably be more like
Ok ok, I kid. But anyway, the last few weeks have been good(ish) – I only occasionally think ‘WHY DIDN’T I CHOOSE ANOTHER COURSE’ – and then all is well and I love it again. In particular, going for a one day GP visit was lovely – it really helped me to remember what I’m in this for. I also may or may not have written a poem about the patient I interviewed…
I really want to thank God for the following things! Everything for His glory, and by His lavish grace and love.
1) Wonderful Coursemates
my fellow medics encourage me, teach me when I look like I’m about to cry, nudge me awake in lectures, provide sweets for an energy boost, shake me when I’m at my worst and go ‘YOU GON BE A DOCTOR. WE ALL GON BE DOCTORS.’
Even fellow coursemates who love Lit/History/Philosophy 🙂 reminds me that we’re all gonna be good doctors in our own unique ways (yucks though, this sentiment is so flaaaffy)
2) Amazing flatmates
Can’t believe (pfft, you guys will never read this I think) I got placed together in a flat of Harry Potter-Marvel-LOTR-GoT crazy people who also happen to have excellent music taste 😉 I love that I can just pop into the kitchen to grab some water, and end up having a 15 minute discussion on whatever I’m currently reading/Paradise Lost/musicals etc etc. And that the flatgirls watch MIC on Monday nights with me and copious amounts of sweet snacks. Such a blessing!
3) Individual people
C is a wonderful ’emeritus shepherd’ who keeps me accountable and sane, who listens to all my verbal diarrhea and dishes out advice on a weekly basis. Love that she’s a year above and knows all the challenges of being a first year medic. Watch out for a guest post from her soon! (hah! Now you’ll have to write it, muahaha)
Max, who challenges me constantly (through very long and highly anticipated emails and a FaceTime once in a while) – she is my soul friend: I can tell her anything, like ‘do you think I like studying this only because it feels nice to know things other people don’t? Maybe I just like the knowledge?’. Or she’ll ask me ‘why ARE you in med school? Let’s make a list’ on the days I whine to her about life. She comforts me but never coddles me.
My daddy, who asks me to think about things like ‘Is Medicine from the Tree of Life or the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil? And which is better?’ – I now really appreciate his job. It’s nice to see our lives suddenly become so much more relevant – I can ask him about his thoughts on issues, or how he deals with patients. And it’s like having a tuition teacher on speed dial 😉 amazes me that he remembered ‘tuberosities’ after 25 years when I couldn’t even remember it 2 days later!
4) That He has given me a mind of Christ/helps me
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–His good, pleasing and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” – James 1:5
“For the LORD gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding.” – Proverbs 2:6
“Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.” – Psalms 54:4
“I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.” – Psalms 121: 1-2
This list goes on and on about but so does time and I’m tired and sleepy and sadly quite hungry. Thank you, dear reader, if you read it all the way to the end and please comment!!!! I don’t really post much cos (other than the fact that I’m studying, of course 😉 ) I feel lame and I don’t know what to write about other than poetry (which might also still be very lame). And yet at the same time, this post doesn’t even begin to cover my thoughts on what I’ve been learning/doing so far (ie dissections etc etc)… But another day, another time!
Be good eggs 🙂